Nadh Rizal: December 2016

Hola guys. I'm back again.

A week of recovery session, seriously it's the worst thing ever! But at least I had spent a lot of time with my family. And of course, with my big brother. He helps me a lot. A lot, which is he supported me and gave me a lot of motivation to get back on track. I love you, bro. Lately, you always share some good music with me. It really helps me to reduce this negative thoughts in my mind. It's true when you used to tell me that sometimes people who are thousands of miles away can make you feel better than people who are right beside you. I have pinned it on Twitter, bro! Well, I know.. you've been through something worst than me and I salute you because you withstand with this test. Whatever they say about you, don't listen and don't worry. Just remember that you still have your family behind you and you have me! I will always support you till the end. We've grown up together and know each other very well. Thank you for everything, bro. I hope you will be a good musician and gamer in the future too! pss.. I wrote this while talking to you about football, hehe. I know you will read this someday, for sure.

And also my parents. They're soooo supportive. As usual. I love you Umie Abah and thanks a lot. I might give up with myself but you guys had gave me something that no one else in this world could give to me. It's really meaningful for me as they still stick together until now to help and support me along this journey of my life. I appreciate it.

At first, I was really afraid when I think of how my friends will treat me when I'm back. So yesterday, I dare myself to fight with this negative thoughts and start a conversation with my friends. I swear, it was really odd for me. I also feel awkward. My hands trembled. And I was a little anxious. I think of how if they don't even care? How if they don't reply me? How if they will mad at me because I didn't contact them? Too much of negative thoughts! I was stressed. But then, one of them replied me. I'm a little relieved. But of course, she replied me with sarcastic words. I'm a little upset at first but I tried to control myself. And thanks God, it's all fine now. But yes, they still didn't know why I didn't contact them for a long time. I'm afraid if I tell them, and things will get worse. So I decided to stay quiet.

Now, I'm really looking forward to face the year of 2017. Really hope it will be my year! Haha. Next year would be the busiest year ever in my life. It is because next year I have to sit for the Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia or the Malaysian Certificate of Education (SPM) where it will determine my future for a new phase. And of course I'm excited to get out of high school!!! Actually I'm really tired of studying, huh. During my recovery, I learned something new about myself. But it's a secret! Haha. Well, I don't wanna praise myself to public because I think it is embarrassing!

I think I wrote too much. So, I stop here. Remember, we have to realize that our lives could be gone in a moment. There are no guarantees that we will be here at this time next year. Learn to live each day to the fullest. Don't complain. Don't focus on what's wrong. Be grateful for the opportunity to experience each day. That's what I'm doing now. So why don't you? :)

Love.

9:51 PM
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FACING THE TOUGH TIME

Life

Hey ! It's December 2016 already. Oh yeah I'm really enjoying my holiday but a little disturbed when remembered about my homework. Ugh whatever.

So I think my friends might wonders what am I doing at home because I didn't contact anybody since the holiday get started. Well, maybe it seems like I am selfish and a little annoying person when I didn't reply to any messages from them. But what can I do? It's hard for me to explain and they might not understands.

Sometimes I think I am the worst person and a bad friend to my friends ever. I can't explain anything to anybody. I thought I need to handle my problems by myself. But I know I am not that tough. I worry about everything. I even can't sleep at night. Because I'm afraid if those nightmares come and attacks me again. My heart beats fast. It also makes me hard to breath and all I can do is crying. My body's trembling from head to toe. All I do is just stay in my room. I'm afraid to go outside. I wish I didn't care, that it didn't feel like this. But, it does. And it will for a long time. I try to reach out. But I am too weak. Those nightmares really haunt me. And this anxiety disorder really wanna kills me.

I wanted to reply my friends. But I am too scared. I can become suddenly anxious at any time. It's really unpredictable.

I try to explain to them. Who said I didn't try? But every time I'm typing on my keyboard, it starts to hit me. So all I can do is just put down my phone back and wrap myself with blanket and force myself to calm down and do not think about it.

I thought I may die. But here I am now. Trying to explain and hoping that someone cares outside there.

I feel like I'm not living but I'm waiting. Waiting for this sore to go away. But I heard there's no cure for anxiety disorder. It makes me worry more. There's so much going on inside my mind, I can't even focus on anything else. It's hard to concentrate when I have all this worry. I have no idea how not to think. It hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air I take in between the tears.

My parents help me a lot. They support and convinced me to endure all of this even though, I know it's hard for them too.

Really hope that it's all will be okay soon. Pray for me.

Love.