Hey ! It's December 2016 already. Oh yeah I'm really enjoying my holiday but a little disturbed when remembered about my homework. Ugh whatever.

So I think my friends might wonders what am I doing at home because I didn't contact anybody since the holiday get started. Well,  maybe it seems like I am selfish and a little annoying person when I didn't reply to any messages from them. But what can I do?  It's hard for me to explain and they might not understands.

Sometimes I think I am the worst person and a bad friend to my friends ever. I can't explain anything to anybody. I thought I need to handle my problems by myself. But I know I am not that tough. I worry about everything. I even can't sleep at night. Because I'm afraid if those nightmares come and attacks me again. My heart beats fast. It also makes me hard to breath and all I can do is crying. My body's trembling from head to toe. All I do is just stay in my room. I'm afraid to go outside. I wish I didn't care,  that it didn't feel like this. But, it does. And it will for a long time. I try to reach out. But I am too weak. Those nightmares really haunt me. And this anxiety disorder really wanna kills me.

I wanted to reply my friends. But I am too scared. I can become suddenly anxious at any time. It's really unpredictable.

I try to explain to them. Who said I didn't try? But every time I'm typing on my keyboard, it starts to hit me. So all I can do is just put down my phone back and wrap myself with blanket and force myself to calm down and do not think about it.

I thought I may die. But here I am now. Trying to explain and hoping that someone cares outside there.

I feel like I'm not living but I'm waiting. Waiting for this sore to go away. But I heard there's no cure for anxiety disorder. It makes me worry more. There's so much going on inside my mind,  I can't even focus on anything else. It's hard to concentrate when I have all this worry. I have no idea how not to think. It hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air I take in between the tears.

My parents help me a lot. They support and convinced me to endure all of this even though, I know it's hard for them too.

Really hope that it's all will be okay soon. Pray for me.

Love.