People used to ask me million times, what my anxiety feels like. But they don't know, it's hard for me to explain.. as I mentioned it in my previous post before. But now, I think I need to explain to everyone. Everybody seems like they think this is just a joke from a silly girl like me.

Here guys. It feels stupid and weak. It's like I'm wandering in my own thoughts and suddenly I'm drowning in it. It starts with the happy one but then the scary one. Suddenly, I'm worrying about "what's next","and then what?" and "who else will leave?" and I know I shouldn't think about that too much. But I can't stop myself from sitting there and overthinking about everything. From over analyzing every decision I make. I can't help that my brain convinces me that everyone around me is talking behind my back.

Some days, I can't help it when I'm convinced I have no friends and that I'm just the girl who will always be the second option. Never a first priority and after awhile, I actually believe I deserve it. Ended up, I just sit there alone and quiet. And feeling empty.

I believe, it all starts with that person. That person who I thought can be trusted. When that person just started to ignore me. When that person don't wanna talk to me anymore. And when that person left. That person left me and have taught me to not trust people hundred percent anymore. 

I hate to explain this. But here's the truth. Anxiety tries to beat me, tries to make me feel so much that I want to shut it all off. But, I can't.

It always happens when I think there's no one who needs me. When I show some efforts but people don't care. When I talk to people but they ignored. And when I try to be cheerful but people just feel annoyed.

Overall, I can say that anxiety is the pain that you feel when it's 2 AM. You don't have any idea how hurt it is until you feel it by your own. 

So, instead of letting people and my own thoughts ruining me, I started to build a walls so impenetrable that not even my most trusted person could break through.

And yeah, that's what I actually feel about it.

Love, Neddy.